I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
