there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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