I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
