She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
