life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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