Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
