I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
