chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
