John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
