Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
