you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
