Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
