did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
