I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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