Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
