hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is Oprah even human
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
