there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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