he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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