The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
