I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's never too late to be topless.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
