I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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