I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Of course I have a pirate flag
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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