Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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