When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
