And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
