My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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