I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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