don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
