So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
