the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
where are my eyebrows?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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