i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He passed out mid-signature
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
