There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
