my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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