I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
