I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
