I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
