He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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