Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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