Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
