there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Omg I joined a choir last night...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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