Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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