This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
