Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
