the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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