I wish I could teleport
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
