I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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