There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
