my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
