It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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