That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
