dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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