So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
