I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
