I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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