pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
