I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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